When I was 10, or 11, I cant very well rememberI had a best friend named KK (Keshia). She was hardly a best friendI basically thought of her as the most wonderful person in the universe. She was older than I was, she was smarter than I was, cooler than I was, and I wanted to be JUST like her. Scarysince she wasnt exactly the biblical-type role model.
Okay, so one day I was talking to her on lineand I found out something I wish I never found out. I found out that my best friend was cutting herself. At this time I have absolutely no idea about anything when it came to that subject. I told her, If you ever do that again, Ill do it Sure, I thought she loved me that much. I didnt understandyet.
The next day, or two, I found out she had done it again. I dont go back on my word. I found some broken glass and went into the bathroom. Ill never forget the voicesmy own, my conscious. It rang, louder and louder, The greatest gift of all, is to give your life for a friend My mind said, Then do this for her Then, Your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit I was confused. I wish I had someone, I wish I knewI wish I listened to the other Voice. I didnt, I listened to the wrong voice, and I cut my arm. Suddenly, the pain of my best friend hurting her, the confusion, the voices, and the anxietywas gone. I was in reliefnot strife.
I dont remember much after that, other than every time my mom yelled at me or my brothers made me mad, Id get a piece of glass. I didnt tell anyoneuntil Rachel came along.
Rachel was older than I was, of course. She was smarter, sweeter, wiserand Godly. I told her, and it didnt go far. Not until a discussion in a voice chatI believe later that day. Out of no where she asked, Why do you do it? Talk about freaking me out! I dont remember much else about that convorsation, except I asked, What? even thought I heard her very well.
That was the start of a odd but close relationship.
I was so young, I didnt know what I was doing. I didnt understand anything, I had never heard of cutting yourself before KK. I mean, many-a-time I would get little glass particles in my skin and it would get infected and itch. I thought that was great. Rachel didnt
Rachel was one of those people, who are so wonderful they just have to leave. Through about a year, all she did was help me. She helped me understand Gods love for me, and every time I hear the word, unconditional I think of her. Then of course, theres her sister, Sarah, and whenever Rach wasnt available, here comes Sarah. Pretty soon Rachel wasnt available muchand Sarah and me had an awesome relationship. Of course, their goal was mainly to help me stop cutting myselfbut I didnt, not then.
Then, Rachel left for college. Eek, that killed me. I was sure I lost her, I didnt like that one bit. She promised she would never leave me, and here she wasin my mind, leaving me. I was bitter, angry, and so hurt. For a year this lastedand one of my best poems was written to her. My Angel Is all about this wonderful Rachel, who I still call my angel, leaving me. I talked to her, sure, every holidayand on my birthday. Still anger grew in meI loved her so much, this pain was leading me to hating her.
Then, of course, it all hit rock bottom. She told me that, maybe I should get professional help, since Ive been dealing with this for so long. This was about a year ago, and I was so angry I couldnt contain myself. I blocked her, and yelled at my best friend about itcursing my head off. Then, I sent that conversation with my best friend to Sarahand didnt delete the e-mail. Remember that.
Eventually, though, as youll learn, I got over it. I forgave Rachel, and I realized I dont need her to live or to stop doing what I did, and I loved her more and more. She still loves me, now, and I still love her, the tight relationship we had well never have again. We still hardly talk, but thats okaybecause shes still my angel.
In the midst of all this, KK was giving me bull. I never told her I kept cutting myself, why would I? She wasnt a best friend to menot one bit. Rewindback to when I was just meeting Rachelthat first year we were close. In this year, KK told me she was bi. She was done cutting, but this was something I KNEW about, and it hurt me like I cant explain. I used to get on my knees for literally hours and cry to God and pray to God that hed show her His ways. Then, she didnt want to hear about God. She told me she didnt fear hellthen she started dating a girl. This is all still hard for me to write about, so Im summing this up, here. I went through everything I could so God would show her His ways, but she was ignorant, and selfish. She didnt want to hear it.
Yet I wouldnt let go of her. I wouldnt stop looking up to her, I wouldnt let go! I was completely attachedthe only way I would let go is if I was ripped away.
And thats just what happened.
One day, close to Christmas, KK told me she didnt want to be my best friend anymore. Believe me, I thought it was the end of the world. I remember I had to go with my mom and aunt, and brother, to some chicks house to get some free stuff. I stayed in the car and cried the whole time, and this is when I heard that song, the songthe song that ripped me apart every time I heard it and I loved it! Pa Pa Roach, Last Resort.
But theres light to this utter pain. And I mean utterpain. What pain? Not only losing my best friend, Rachel, I was going to a school called Sterling Christian. My grades sucked, the entire year I didnt pull above an F in MathI didnt pass a single math test. I hated the teacher. Someone already knew there about my cutting, her name was Tynealand I told her at school camp, by accident (or so we cutters like to think). My parents divorced the day before Christmas eve just a year before, and, of course, my brothers were drunken ediots. I felt alone and pissed off at everyone.
But theres lightthere was this girl I was talking to a lot. She was a friend of Sarah and Rachels, I didnt like her for the first year I knew herbut then we suddenly got close, right before KK left me. Her name was Linseeand she became my best friend.
And theres more light to this pain. There was this girlback when Rachel and me were tight, that I met by Internet witnessing. I met her randomly, and said, JESUS LOVES YOU. She was already a Christian, though, and her name was Charity. I told her I cut, I didnt think she caredbut she did. I hadnt talked to her in a long time, when suddenly (before the whole KK leaving me thing) I saw she was on. So I IMed her, but it wasnt her. It was her friend, Heather, she was kool, I thought. I never knew what God had in store for Linsee and Heather, Heather was the awesomeness of awesomeness. I couldnt tell you how we became so close, but we did, and pretty fast, too. She was understanding, and loyal. I must admit, also, I was loyal to her, more loyal to her and Linsee, than to anyone before. I must tell you, without Heather I wouldnt be here today, it was surely a blessing from God that I met her and I only pray I helped her as much as she helped me. She became my sister, and Im not just saying that nonchalant. Shes everything a big sister should be, the only thing non-sister-like about her, is that she doesnt have my blood in her. I could go on, and on, telling of stories Heather and me have been through, but I would get way off subject.
Linsee, also, we have been through so much. She has ALWAYS been there for me and I thank God for her, and Heather, everyday of my life. I love them both so very much, and without them, I dont dare imagine where I would be. Ive met Heather last summer and just two weeks from now Im off to meet Linsee, Rachel, and Sarah.
Im introducing these girls firstly, because they have impacted me most. Yet theyre not the only ones that need be mentioned in my story.
Back at part 2 I mentioned a girl named Tyneal. Dont forget about her. Then, there was a girl named Lauren, whom I call Willis. She has been there for me since the minute she found out about me. I surely find her incredible, her also I met at Sterling. In addition to those, there is Jaime, Robin, Crystal, Courtney(Wherever you are), Jules, and more that I cant mention. Without them, I wouldnt be writing this story.
Not only those, but there are also people I met through Heather I just must mention. One being Beth, who I am probably closest with out of them all. She, I must say, has been just a blessing and an encouragement. Thanks, Beth, because without you I wouldnt be writing this story. Also, Trina, the hug girl ;-). And a few other I cant mention. Love to you, without them, I surely couldnt write this story.
Why?! I hear you! Let me tell you why I couldnt write this story without them. Because, as you know, stories without endings arent stories at alland without them there would be no ending to my story. Before we get to the endingI have to take you to a very dark place.
I just couldnt stop. I got to the point where I broke shaving razors to take the blade out and cut my wrist. I just couldnt stop. Things happened, and I couldnt take the pain. So I decided to end it all, to end my life. This is when Heather comes to the rescueshe called me, and I dont know if she knew what I want to do, but she wouldnt let me do anything. God, I know he loves me for giving me all these wonderful people.
So I didnt do itand I had to tell Jaime, and Lauren about this. Those three, and Linsee, were the only ones to know. When I told Lauren, though, is when I made the decision not to cut anymore. I saw her cryand I realized the pain I was causing these gifts from God. I was abusing what God had given me and I couldnt do it anymore. I saw her cryand I seriously wanted to just die right there. She didnt know, she had no idea how much those tears affected me, and since she probably wont read this, shell never know.
I feel terriblefor hurting these people. If any of them read this I want them to know Im sorry for what Ive done, for hurting all of you.
I walk into church, and much to my surprise there was sitting Crystal! She goes to Sterlings church, and at the time I was going to a totally different church, so I was stoked to see her. By now, I was so frightened my mom was going to find out about me, because Jessie and girl at my church (old church now) were going to tell. So I wrote Lauren (Willis) a note, telling her how afraid I was that my mom was going to find out. I wrote that during the service.
After church we all went out to get ice cream, and, I told Crystal about me. She, and Chrisanother girl I knew from different places, were telling me to tell my mom. I refused; this went on for a whileuntil I finally went home.
I walked in the door, and went toward my room, my mom stopped me from the computer, where she was, and screamed at me, and pushed me into my room.
LET ME SEE, LET ME SEE! I READ YOUR E MAILS, LET ME SEE! I knew she was talking about my cuttingso I showed her my arms. She got really madshe stormed out of my roomedand slammed the door so hard it literally broke a piece of my wall. She came back in with the computer cord and said, here, cut with this, CUT WITH THIS! GO AHEAD! She threw some other sharp things at me, telling me to cut with them. Okay, so Ill be honest, I was a little upsetbut not too upset, more relieved.
Then she told me I was aloud to talk to heather anymoreI didnt understand why yet, but I flipped out. I started crying my eyes out, saying, NO! MOM! WHY?! She told me, all heather was, was a brat, and all this. So I pleaded and begged, and cried and cried.
Pause herelet me tell you firstly how gracious God was to me. Before this, more like a year before this I had the cops at my door, because I mentioned cutting myself in a chat room. Still, I denied it, and my mom believed me. Then, shortly after that, I wrote a note to Tyneal about a dream I had, that I had cut myself so deep I died. My teacher found it, and gave it to my principle, who told my mom about it. I denied it again, and again she believed me. So this was the endshe knew, and I couldnt deny it.
Though I wasnt surprisedmonths before this I got on my knees and said to God, Lord, I promise Ill never cut again, and if I do, you can let anyone you want find out Well, the week before my mom found out I had cut myself 22 times.
So, I found out my mom had talked to heather when she found out about me. She was telling Heather to tell her things about me, and Heather, God bless her, wouldnt. My mom didnt like this, she was NOT nice to Heather at all, and Ill never forgive her for the things she said to my sister. Just two days ago heather apologized for saying what she didbut she, in my opinion, didnt have to. Though this was good, because now I can go see Heather again this winter.
I was on 24-hour watch by my brothers. Oh, and of course, the night my brothers found out (the same night) all my brother did was tell me Im stupid. Then added the comment, If I ever hear you cut yourself again, Ill chase you around the house with a knife! My mom laughed, Oh, thatll help!
My mom agreed if both heather and me get help we can talk to each other. Ha, my mom haters shrinks, I begged her to lock me away in a ward, or let me go to a shrinkshe wouldnt get me help. I dont remember if Heather actually got help but eventually we were aloud to talk again. Eventually the storms settled.
As of that day, the day my mom found out, I have not cut myself in an entire year. And, what works out best, is today is that one year reunion. I woke up and congratulated God and thanked Him for getting me passed this. Thanks for reading my story, may God bless you.
You know that that had to go this far, traded your worth for these scarsfor your only company, dont believe the lies that they have told to you, not one word is true, youre alright, youre alright, youre alright.
-(lifehouse)

 

Want to get ahold of Jenelle? Her email is CrimsonStainz@cs.com

    I've been self-harming for about 4years now, and since then have also accumulated an eating disorder in the form of bullemia...

I think it started when i was bullied in primary school, i don't really know why, i was always made to feel like a loner and felt fat and ugly.  For as long as i can remember I've felt self-concious and fat. 

       About four years ago, end of first year secondary school beginning of 2nd, i had a 'serious' boyfriend who was 2years older than me.  I completely fell for him, but somehow i felt...i don't know like i wasn't good enough.  Anyway, about half a year after we'd been together we broke up because i felt that something wasn't right, i couldn't lay my finger on it, it was just a feeling.  I later found out because he told my best mate, that he'd slept with some girl he didn't even know whilst he was on holiday.  At this time I was in a really naff youth group, and none of us really believed God existed, and now most of them have turned from God. 

      I was so torn up, I felt so useless and unworthy of any respect at all.  I can't remember exactly when, but I started cutting myself on my arms at first.  I didn't think it was much because it was just tiny little pricks that could hardly be seen.  The pain was horrid though.  It also meant I had to wear long sleeved tops even in the summer in case anyone saw.  I had quite a few boyfriends though they were never very much, a few months max. because I was scared they'd find out, and I was also looking for something to fill the empty gap that was inside me.  They never seemed to fill it.

    At points I'd feel so fat I'd skip a few meals.  This was quite hard because I have the whole "must eat everything in sight" type of parents.  So I'd skip meals at lunch, then if there was any way skip evening meals aswell.  I also thought this to be normal.

    Soon, I started cutting deeper.  Eating less. 

    I moved churches and started to find God again.  But after a while would get really depressed...spiralling down.  I had the mentality that if I was strong enough I could just completely stop cutting myself miraculously...of course it didn't work, therefore I felt angry at myself again.  It was just getitng worse.

    At the "new church" i made a really close friend and 3 1/2 years after it had all started wrote down in a letter everything (like I am doing now) because I knew I wouldn't tell her everything face to face.  She talked to my youth pastor at the church confidentially to get advice, then talked to me.  She was so ace.  She convinced me to talk to a counsellor at the school I go to.  Which I did and the counsellor with my permission finally told my parents.  This freaked me at first, but at least it aint a secret anymore. 

    My 'friend' still keeps me accountable and checks i'm doing ok.  It's great knowing that when I feel suicidal and have suicidal thoughts there's always someone I can ring, even at 3am...as I have done!!!!

    Last week I went to Soul Survivor, and really sorted things out with God and gave it to him.  This was so hard and i felt so ashamed being in his presence with so much shame. 

    I know now that it isn't going to miraculously disappear, but hopefully with the strength of God (Phillipians 4:13) I will be able to get over this.  The thing which is really keeping me going when I fall down is that my counsellor said there are people 80+ who cut themselves and I don't want to still be like this then.  What I also read is that cutting yourself releases a hormone into your body so it's addictive kinda, so get help!

    So to anyone reading this who does feel low, cut themselves etc.  tell someone now.  Write it in a letter and give it to someone you trust...PLEASE you can get through this I promise you!  (I read "Will he love me if I'm thin" by Kirsty White, I related to all that she was saying and makes me think twice about my weight, it's good!)

 

Do you want to get ahold of Ashleigh? Her e-mail is altair@talk21.com